zero2sixtyin9

Today I made an important decision and faced a fear. It was a decision to be proud of myself no matter what and hold my head up high. Some of you may think what I did isn’t such a big deal, but after 27 years of lying, denying, and overall avoiding my weight, I have decided to make a change and accept me for me. Within the last few weeks I have, for the first time in almost 7 years of knowing him, admitted and talked about my weight with my husband. And now today, I take a major step and make it public for any and all to view. This was terrifying and embarrassing before (even when I weighed a lot less!), but after going through so much change in the past few years, I want to continue to improve myself…to stretch my boundaries and grow as person. So here it is America, the actual truth, the actual me. All 188 pounds.

Last week I finally had to give up my hardheadedness and bought some new jeans. And they were 4 sizes smaller!!! And I also needed some scrub bottoms which I was very excited to move from a large to a medium! May not sound like a lot, but boy it felt good! : ) I felt a familiar pang of sadness at the scrub store though…there was a woman there trying on scrubs who was overweight. She was in the dressing room and her friend kept yelling, “Did you find anything yet?” “No”, a small, disappointed voice kept replying from the fitting room as I waited patiently in line. My heart sank as she opened the door with about 40 items on hangers angrily stating, “Nothing fits!” and stomping out in a huff. That was me. That was so me. I remember that disgusting, disappointing, depressing feeling of picking anything and everything to try on, only to feel gross and walk out disappointed and depressed because nothing fit. I felt so bad. I know you shouldn’t feel bad for people, but in my heart, I felt so so bad for her. Because she was me less than 3 months ago. And here I was, taking in 1 shirt and 2 pairs of pants: large and medium. The large were too big, so I got the medium. Never, since being super thin in college, has shopping went that easy. I can only hope it continues. And I can only hope that the woman I saw either becomes comfortable with herself or has an amazing person in her life (like I have my husband) to help set her on a path of being healthy and once again liking herself.

So, on another note, I was one of the unlucky ones that was stricken by ‘the bug’ this past week. I spent the last 5 days in bed and am feeling weary as I type this. So much for the flu shot this year! I can’t say I didn’t expect it myself, as when you do my kind of work you just know you have it coming (working in the ER and all). But boy did I not expect to feel this bad. And just as I thought I might be getting better, I woke up Friday vomiting and having trouble breathing. Add a diagnosis of bronchitis to influenza, will ya? Geez. I seriously hope we get it right next year. I don’t know how many more times a person could survive this. And to think if I were elderly or a child…I can’t imagine. Throughout it all, I haven’t worried about points/dieting, but I have made sure to keep hydrated and to eat the best I could. And again, I lost another 2 pounds this week. Doesn’t seem fair to get excited about it this time around. Although, I think some of you would get a kick out of the experience I had at the doctor’s office…

So there I was, knowing I had to get weighed. And I so didn’t care because I was convinced I was dying (dramatic, I know, lol, but honestly I felt like it). I was shivering and had 2 shirts and a hooded sweatshirt on. And heavy pants. As I step on to the scale, the girl has the first marker at 250, and I think, “Hmm. Do I really look like 250?” as she continues to play with the slider. She finally gives up and goes to 200. And boy did she try like heck to get me to weigh over 200. I don’t know if I was more annoyed or amused. She kept checking my chart and then moving the slider on the scale. She finally moved it to 150 and then moved the slider to 190 and then muttered under her breath, “that can’t be right.” She then says to me, “I’m not sure how much you weigh.” And I get kind of ticked, thinking any idiot can read that the scale says 190. So we walk into the room and she looks through my chart again, then walks out of the room (to check the scale again). She finally comes back and I muster up the energy to say, “If it helps, I did lose about 25 pounds recently.” And then she suddenly gets this cocky attitude and says, “Oh, I wouldn’t go that far. It wasn’t quite 25.” And walks back out of the room. Lol. Because I don’t weigh myself in my bathroom every week and I can’t read a scale. I have no idea how that turned so personal, but boy it ticked her off. And the funniest part? Duane had to go in a few weeks prior for a knee injury and she did the same thing to him! Lol…I never knew weight loss was so offensive!

Anyway, back to bed for me…starting to feel a little rough again. Hope you all have a great week…stay well!