zero2sixtyin9

Today I made an important decision and faced a fear. It was a decision to be proud of myself no matter what and hold my head up high. Some of you may think what I did isn’t such a big deal, but after 27 years of lying, denying, and overall avoiding my weight, I have decided to make a change and accept me for me. Within the last few weeks I have, for the first time in almost 7 years of knowing him, admitted and talked about my weight with my husband. And now today, I take a major step and make it public for any and all to view. This was terrifying and embarrassing before (even when I weighed a lot less!), but after going through so much change in the past few years, I want to continue to improve myself…to stretch my boundaries and grow as person. So here it is America, the actual truth, the actual me. All 188 pounds.

Last week I finally had to give up my hardheadedness and bought some new jeans. And they were 4 sizes smaller!!! And I also needed some scrub bottoms which I was very excited to move from a large to a medium! May not sound like a lot, but boy it felt good! : ) I felt a familiar pang of sadness at the scrub store though…there was a woman there trying on scrubs who was overweight. She was in the dressing room and her friend kept yelling, “Did you find anything yet?” “No”, a small, disappointed voice kept replying from the fitting room as I waited patiently in line. My heart sank as she opened the door with about 40 items on hangers angrily stating, “Nothing fits!” and stomping out in a huff. That was me. That was so me. I remember that disgusting, disappointing, depressing feeling of picking anything and everything to try on, only to feel gross and walk out disappointed and depressed because nothing fit. I felt so bad. I know you shouldn’t feel bad for people, but in my heart, I felt so so bad for her. Because she was me less than 3 months ago. And here I was, taking in 1 shirt and 2 pairs of pants: large and medium. The large were too big, so I got the medium. Never, since being super thin in college, has shopping went that easy. I can only hope it continues. And I can only hope that the woman I saw either becomes comfortable with herself or has an amazing person in her life (like I have my husband) to help set her on a path of being healthy and once again liking herself.

So, on another note, I was one of the unlucky ones that was stricken by ‘the bug’ this past week. I spent the last 5 days in bed and am feeling weary as I type this. So much for the flu shot this year! I can’t say I didn’t expect it myself, as when you do my kind of work you just know you have it coming (working in the ER and all). But boy did I not expect to feel this bad. And just as I thought I might be getting better, I woke up Friday vomiting and having trouble breathing. Add a diagnosis of bronchitis to influenza, will ya? Geez. I seriously hope we get it right next year. I don’t know how many more times a person could survive this. And to think if I were elderly or a child…I can’t imagine. Throughout it all, I haven’t worried about points/dieting, but I have made sure to keep hydrated and to eat the best I could. And again, I lost another 2 pounds this week. Doesn’t seem fair to get excited about it this time around. Although, I think some of you would get a kick out of the experience I had at the doctor’s office…

So there I was, knowing I had to get weighed. And I so didn’t care because I was convinced I was dying (dramatic, I know, lol, but honestly I felt like it). I was shivering and had 2 shirts and a hooded sweatshirt on. And heavy pants. As I step on to the scale, the girl has the first marker at 250, and I think, “Hmm. Do I really look like 250?” as she continues to play with the slider. She finally gives up and goes to 200. And boy did she try like heck to get me to weigh over 200. I don’t know if I was more annoyed or amused. She kept checking my chart and then moving the slider on the scale. She finally moved it to 150 and then moved the slider to 190 and then muttered under her breath, “that can’t be right.” She then says to me, “I’m not sure how much you weigh.” And I get kind of ticked, thinking any idiot can read that the scale says 190. So we walk into the room and she looks through my chart again, then walks out of the room (to check the scale again). She finally comes back and I muster up the energy to say, “If it helps, I did lose about 25 pounds recently.” And then she suddenly gets this cocky attitude and says, “Oh, I wouldn’t go that far. It wasn’t quite 25.” And walks back out of the room. Lol. Because I don’t weigh myself in my bathroom every week and I can’t read a scale. I have no idea how that turned so personal, but boy it ticked her off. And the funniest part? Duane had to go in a few weeks prior for a knee injury and she did the same thing to him! Lol…I never knew weight loss was so offensive!

Anyway, back to bed for me…starting to feel a little rough again. Hope you all have a great week…stay well!

Last weekend was great. Duane and I finally had to take our watches in to have some links taken out, as they were beginning to spin around our wrists with fury. I don’t think I have ever lost enough weight to have a watch get so big, let alone spin around! (This week I am up to 25 pounds!!!!) That made me happy and feel great. And fast forward to yesterday when I was getting ready to go away…I realized that some shirts I have that I haven’t been able to wear in like, years, finally fit and look really good again. I was on a roll and feeling great…

Until this morning. We have this “Health Risk Assessment” that our company/insurance company wanted us to do. It involved a BP, cholesterol, weight/height/waist measurement, and blood sugar check. And if you call a nurse about your results, you get $50. All for less than an hour of my time. Not too bad, and I figured it would be nice to see the results of my hard work. Right before Duane and I got life insurance (I think I weighed about 10 pounds more than I do now and I was just beginning my path of destruction <AKA unhealthy eating/lifestyle>), my total cholesterol was like 123, so I was curious to see how high it was from the last 3 years of chaos. And I figured that no matter how bad the news, I would tell myself that deep down I know I am making the right changes and am moving in the right direction.

Hmph. Or so I thought. First let me say that I am a night shift worker and am used to eating at night. So this whole 12 hour fasting thing was for the birds (my blood sugar likes to sit on the low end of the scale normally when I do eat, so when I don’t I get a little retarded and a little mean). So I stroll in at 6:30 this morning expecting ok results. Finger stick goes ok, then it’s on to the blood pressure. The girl is nice….but starts to frown as she is taking my BP. I watch the gauge to guesstimate what she is getting. Then comes the “oh, well your blood pressure is pretty high!” 128/98. Damn it. Last time I was at the doctor about a year ago, (I was pretty sick which causes me to be hypertensive) I was around 154/101 which caused them to freak. And before that I had a few high readings. But my lifestyle has changed and I was hoping for a diastolic of say, 70. Not freakin’ 98 so that I get lectured about hypertension. And exercise. So then I move on to the weigh/measure station. The girl there was nice and we joked about my jeans nearly falling off due to my weight loss. I am a die hard and will not buy new ones until absolutely necessary. I want to make myself HAVE to get new ones. Anyway, after that it was on to get my fingerstick results. Not the greatest (which we will get to in a minute). Blood pressure girl lured me back over for a final reading. As she took it, she shook her head. “Uh uh. 122/92.” She looked at me as if I might croak in the chair. What the hell do you think it was when I weighed 25 pounds more back in December??

So after disappointing all of the staff, I had to go talk to an “educator”. Great. Shoot me now. So I get the whole “you need to lose weight (ya think? My whole life revolves around that!) and lose at least 5 inches off your waist. And your HDL cholesterol, you know that’s the good cholesterol…” As she goes on and on, I flip my work badge onto the table as a subtle, please shut up, I am a nurse (an ER nurse, and a damn good one at that). Not to play that card, but I felt as though she was treating me like an idiot. Before she began, I explained how I have changed my entire life for the better (eating, exercise), how I know my calories/fat/fiber intake and BMI to a tee, how I could barely stay awake before and got out of breath at the drop off a dime, and now I am actually beginning to work out which is SUCH an improvement for me. And then she treats me like an idiot. A 5 year old would have known what she was talking about. So anyway, she tells me to eat more fruits and vegetables, preferably 10 servings a day. Now I don’t know about you, but I never used to eat ANY at all. And now my day is packed with them. But 10 servings? That can be a bit much every single day, not to mention pricey. And I got a fiber lecture as well as told that I don’t exercise enough. Arrrghhh!!!

So I leave work all ticked off, in a huff, thinking to myself, “I just need to eat and calm down and I will be ok.” So I come home, have a snack and then go online to enter my results (and work my way toward earning that $50). Oh boy. It tells me I am at a huge risk for getting cancer. And I’m fat (well, not in those words). And everything else negative possible.

Seriously…not how I wanted to start my morning. And all for $50 freakin dollars. And at this point, I haven’t even spoken with a nurse (the last step) to earn the money. Ugh.

So I already knew that I need to step up my exercise. I guess this will be the thing that pushes me to do so. And I’ll have my dr. recheck me in a couple of months to see where I am at. Like I said, I am a nurse, so I know when to worry and when not to. I am not scared or anything, but I am angry at what I have done to my body. I am happy and proud at the changes I have made. And I don’t ever want to be lectured like a 5 year old again. I don’t do that to my patient’s; I don’t want someone to do that to me. I am an adult, treat me like one.

Sorry for the rant, but I feel so much better now… I’ll let you know how the follow-up phone call goes! :o/

Have a good day!